You don't get this fat without trauma!

I am almost 40. I am the fattests I have ever been, I am in pain and I feel sick 98% of the time.

I've been thinking a lot about trauma lately. My trauma is why I am who I am, I am me because of the painful, hurtful and difficult life experiences I have had.

I have trauma, I am a cis white woman with trauma (my judisam and lesbianism are not visible) everybody responds differently to trauma. I feed mine with food, food in large quantities, not neccesarily unhealthy food, but a lot of it.

I was a normal sized baby, not until 3rd grade did I balloon. I blame adults, adults who were supposed to be there to teach me, but instead unloaded their trauma on me.  I attended a Hebrew day school from pre-K to 3rd grade. I was blonde, I was slight, I was kind and loving, and I had a modeling career that my non accredited teachers were not too fond of. They did not like me and they did not like my mother, and I was punished for it. I was not treated like everyone else, I was singeled out for no reason, I was treated with disdane and punished for no reason, other than I was empathetic, emotional and easily made to feel insignificant. Even now I remember my teachers being unkind because they could. I was not a bad student, I did not misbehave-what I did do wrong is react when I felt I was being treated unjustly and I was taught that my emotions and my feelings and my responses to being treated unjustly were over-the-top, uncalled for and over dramatic. Here is where I will be told I'm wrong. But here is the thing, I switched schools between third and fourth grade. I went from a private Hebrew day school to a public school. Where instead of being treated differently, instead of being treated with disdane I was supported, I was approached with kindness, I was helped through difficult things and I made strides, I stopped "crying at the drop of a hat" I stopped "having Meltdowns for no reason"

 Jamie and I are starting on the road to becoming foster parents. Fear and trauma are a very significant part of training.